there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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