dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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