A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
