my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
