it was like having sex with a tree stump
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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