My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He is an equal opportunity slut.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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