I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
false alarm. still invincible.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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