No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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