In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
