please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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