Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
