It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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