I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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