Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
