I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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