i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
