Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize