Pants 0. Shit 1.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
