I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
