Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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