some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
