yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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