Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
