sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
