we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
