Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
