i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
