I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
