You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
