my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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