I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
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At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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