I didn't shave. On purpose
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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