Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
