i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
