You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
