if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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