I can't watch pbs sober anymore
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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