I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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