There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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