Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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