apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Randomize
