Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
