is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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