I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
