Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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