what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
