The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
