Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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