Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
