my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
