I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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