you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
