dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
