I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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