My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize